In which Nothing Happens
by vikky-leigh
Summary: In which Merlin is not bludgeoned, stabbed, tortured with magic, crushed, or in any way angsted over. Inspired by Emachinescat's "Why do you hate me?" Some Mergana, and Merlin awesomeness. Rated T for safety
1. Chapter 1

_**I just read "Why do you Hate me" By Emachinescat, and so I decided to write a story in which Merlin is not cursed, stabbed, hit, tortured, killed, captured, or in any way angsted over. Work in progress! Some Mergana.**_

_**Disclaimer: If I owned Merlin, Morgana would never have turned evil, Lancelot would go die in a fire and be replaced entirely by Gawain.**_

**Chapter 1**

**In which Merlin goes out to pick herbs for Gaius, and nothing happens. No, really.**

"Well." Said Merlin "Really, what are you waiting for?"

"I'm waiting!" He shouted out to the forest around him. "I'm out here, alone, and it's dark. This is statistically, the best and most obvious time to attack me!"

Nothing happened.

The forest was silent and still in the pre-dawn light. The grass under his feet was dewy, and the branches of the trees hung ominously, the way everything looks different in the shadows. All was quiet-a little _too _quiet.

Now Merlin was confused. Ever since the start of something called "fan fiction" every hunting trip, every time he left the castle walls, was an opportunity for him to get captured, tortured, beat up, or anything else the crazed author could think of. Merlin was really quite sick of it all, but had at least learned to be prepared. He knew it was times like these that the authors normally struck, and he would _very _much like to get it over with.

"Hello!" He shouted again, when he was startled by a rustling in the trees behind him. Someone was coming. He turned around; resigned to put up a good fight before the inevitable "Whumpage" began. Whoever it was was coming closer now. Closer, closer….

"Merlin." Said Morgana "Whatever were you shouting at?"

This, of course, startled poor Merlin so that he jumped nearly a foot in the air. "Morgana!" He shouted in surprise. "Is it really you?"

"Of course." She stated, puzzled "Who else would it be?"

"And you're sure that you're not going to stab me with pointy and also damagingly blunt objects? Or torture me with magic?"

"Merlin." Morgana said slowly "Is this about that fan fiction those crazy people have been writing about me? The ones where I am evil and conveniently used as a torturer for Whumpage"

Merlin, frightened, nodded.

"Well." Said Morgana pensively, "I can see why you might be scared. Those things scare me. But I assure you that I have no intention of bludgeoning you, or sticking you full of pointy objects, or in any other way torturing you."

"Really know" said Merlin. "Then would you be interested in joining me in..." He raised an eyebrow suggestively "...picking some herbs?"

Morgana smirked.

…Later….

"Merlin." Gaius said. "What happened? You came back late and disheveled, and without my herbs."

"Oh, nothing." Merlin smiled "Nothing at all."

_**To be continued…**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you guys for reviewing and favoriting this story. I meant to have this chapter up days ago, but the muse wanted angst. Lots and lots of angst. And Star Trek. I am currently working on such a story to appease the muse, and it should be out in a few days. Until then, my lovelies!**_

_**Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to BBC. I own Bob, the worst thug ever, but that's about it.**_

**Chapter 2**

**In which Merlin is not captured by bandits**

After Merlin's, err, _interesting _encounter with Morgana that morning, the rest of the day was fairly normal. Gaius was disbelieving, Arthur was a prat, Gwen sent Arthur longing looks, Gwaine was rather drunk, and Morgana smirked in Merlin's general direction. And, since this was a very ordinary day, his royal pratness decided to take Merlin and Gwaine on a hunting trip. And because, of course, there is no way that Merlin could be so lucky as to have "nothing" happen to him twice in one day, they were found by bandits.

The bandits attacked, quite literally, out of nowhere. Apparently the author was too lazy to think up an original story-line that actually made sense, so the bandits materialized out of a few stray brainwaves and plot bunnies. They advanced foreword with zombie-like single mindedness, intent upon reaching their target, who was….Arthur and Gwaine?

"Wait" Merlin interrupted. "Aren't you going to grab me as well?"

"Yeah" Said Gwaine "Aren't you going to grab him too?" Merlin sent him a dirty look.

"We're here for the knights." One of the zombie-like plot devices said. "You're just a servant"

"You aren't going to use him to make me talk?" Arthur asked

"Why would we want that?" A bandit asked "We are not trying to get information out of you."

"Or to kill him and send his head back to the city with a ransom note to let the king know you mean business?" Gwaine interjected helpfully. Merlin upped the glare from "irritated" to "death"

"We do not plan to send a ransom note." The bandit (We'll call him bob) responded.

"So, if you don't want information, and you don't want money, why are you kidnapping us?" Asked Arthur. Bob looked puzzled, then pulled back to discuss something in whispers with the other bandits. Then, apparently being singled out as their spokesperson, he stepped forward again.

"The writer doesn't know. She hasn't thought this plot through very well."

"I see" Said Arthur dryly. "In that case, could you please get on with the kidnapping?"

The bandits melted away into the mist, taking Arthur and Gwaine with them.

"Well." Merlin stated to anyone who might be listening. "That was interesting."


End file.
